一日，孔子周游列国到了齐国。天色已晚。孔子一看，前不着村，后不着店的。走着走着。看见不远处有一间

 

 

茅屋，里面亮着灯。就走了过去，敲了三下门。门吱呀一声开了。孔子就问：夫人，我是鲁国的孔子，天色已晚，我能否在这儿借宿一晚。那个少妇一听是孔子先生

 

连忙请进了屋里。然后就说：要在我这住可以，不过你要猜对我一个字谜才行”。孔子一想我可是大文人呀，小小字谜算得了什么。就说：行啊”。只见少妇把头发放了下来，然后躺在床上，双脚叉开，两手一字摆开。把头发横着一放。就问“这是个什么字啊”，孔子一看

 

这是个天字，少妇说：错了，你太小看我了，这是个吞字”。孔子一想也是。就不服气的说：我也给你猜一个字谜”。于是也躺了下来，也摆了一个同样的姿势，就问：这是个什么字啊？”，少妇一看就说：这是大字”孔子一听，就说：你错了，你太小看我了，这是个木字。 


这个我是翻译不了的。

或者可以的。

英语虽不是象形字，但是 suck 和 fuck看起来还是很象形的。注意 s 和f。

-uck
buck
duck
fuck
luck
suck
……

鐵箍

    夫婦同飯﹐妻問曰﹕“韭蒜有何好處﹐汝喜吃他﹖”夫曰﹕“食之﹐此物如鐵
棒一般的。”妻亦連食不已﹐夫曰﹕“汝吃何用﹖”妻曰﹕“我吃了像鐵箍一般的。”


 At the table during the dinner, the wife asked her husband:"why do you llike eating leeks so much?" 
'well, it can help  to make my dick harder, as hard as a iron stick!" 
the wife was very  happy to know  that， and she  began to  kept chewing leeks as much as posssible.
"what are you doing？" the husband was confused to see that.
"I want my cunt   as  tight  as an iron hoop!"

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.  "You know, John & I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I."  

"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda

"Oh, we could never do that!  We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary.  "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again.  "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed.  "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.  He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts.  He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other.  Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue.  Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat.  Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.  After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.  "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us!  Please, please, can't you give us some help?  Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered.  "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios……."



两女在一起吃中饭，话题很快便转到了那事儿上，“唉，最近我和小强在那事上有些问题。”小琳对她闺密马丽说。

“啊，是吗，我也有这个问题唉”马丽说。

我们打算去找个性学医师给开个方子治疗一下，小琳说。

可我不想去，我觉得有些不好意思……玛丽说，不过这么着吧，你去看看先，回来跟我说说咋样？

 

几周后，小琳和玛丽又在一起吃饭。“怎样，开得方子有效吗？”玛丽急切地问。

小琳说：“别提有多棒了！我们先在那做了个身体检查，然后那大夫跟我们说，我们的问题可以解决。他让我们回家时到超市买一串葡萄和一打甜甜圈，回家之后，我们照着他的吩咐，两个人光着坐在地板上，用葡萄和甜甜圈互相仍对方，如果有葡萄进到我的那里，他就必须用舌头舔出来，如果我把甜甜圈套到他那里，我就要把它吃掉……我们的性生活就好了起来，而且可以说，从来没这么好过。”

玛丽心中有数之后，便也和自己的男友约了这个大夫。但是当大夫给他们做完体检之后，他却说：“很遗憾，我对你们的问题无能为力。”

但玛丽却不依不饶：“大夫不会吧，你看像小强和小琳的事情你就解决了。你咋不能就给我们个方子呢？你就给开个吧，开个吧，一定要开啊！”

“好吧，”大夫实在受不了了他的死缠烂打，“回家的时候，在你们家楼下的超市里买一麻袋苹果和一箱子脆谷乐吧……”

Taxes

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.  The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.,and then asks, "What is your occupation?"     The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."     The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no! That will never work.  That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."   The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."   "No, that is still too crude. Try again."   They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."   The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".   "Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year!"  一个女找到会计说自己要保税。会计说：“行，不过在此之前要了解一下你的个人情况。”于是他询问了这个女人的姓名，年龄，社保帐号等，最后他问：‘请问您的职业？’ 女的回答：“我是一个高价妓女。” “不行，不行，这个称谓太粗鲁了，我们需要换一个”会计说。 “好吧，那我是一个高收入的应召女郎” “还是不行，还是不雅。” 于是两人都陷入沉默……突然女的一拍大腿说：“我是一个特级小鸡心理咨詢師。” “小鸡心理醫生和妓女或者应召女郎有啥关系？”会计疑惑道。 “恩，我去年让700多小鸡鸡都重新振作了起来。” 這個很難翻譯，尤其是最后一個動詞，raise 既有飼養又有使豎立的含義。

今天试一下中翻英，要不就更生疏了。本篇来自我国著名的文学作品《笑林广记》闺风篇。

上路來

    一老翁勉力行房﹐陽瘦不能進。舞弄既久﹐不覺鼻涕橫流﹐因嘆曰﹕“我說為
何這等干澀﹐原來打從上路出來了。”

coming out  from the nose

an old man wanted to screw but  failed as his dick could  not erect. Having tried  hard  for several times,he was  so tired that he  got a runny nose.  All at once he realized the truth:"no wonder my dick is so dry,  it's  all coming out from the upside! " 

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it
 came back there were still stains in her panties.
 
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman
 that says, "Use more soap on panties."
 
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note
 to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."
 
Finally fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that
 said," Use more paper on ass."

一女在一家中国人开的洗衣店洗衣服。衣服拿回家后，他发现内裤上还有留有斑点。于是第二周她就给这个洗衣店的洗衣工递了条子，说：“洗内裤的时候多放点洗涤剂！”
一连几个周，此女一直不断的提醒这家洗衣店：“洗内裤的时候多用点洗涤剂！”

最后这个中国洗衣工忍无可忍了，于是给这个女客户回递了一张条子：
“擦屁股的时候多用点纸！”